EVENT: Chickenball R...

I don’t usually talk about upcoming events. But this one had Burt Reynolds and Dom Deluise on the flyer. They even put Dom in the Captain Chaos outfit that I loved so much growing up. So this event is already the best bike race that has ever not yet been raced in the history of future bike races. The race is on May 2nd...

Eugene Roubaix – April 18, 2009

The race started out well matched and fast paced: Sam Nicoletti and I both attended the Eugene Roubaix, even going so far as to get a ride in the same van. We both observed all the glories that rural Oregon hatched up for us this fine day. We both put on spandex and rode around in large circles competitively. Then, at the end, we both kicked it in big ring and got ready to blog about it. You see I am not much of an internet surfer. Sometimes I check some email, occasionally I google things, and once in a while I do some online banking. But then my friend told me that I should really read Sam Nicoletti’s blog. And I did and found it to be just as hilarious and un-race-related as sosovelo. So now I feel both compelled to continue...

12 Bridges Gin Apr21

12 Bridges Gin

This is a review of gin, written in the style of a drunken middle school book report. Gin is alcohol that tastes like delicious pine trees. There are many types of gin, but only some of them taste delicious. Aristrocrat brand is an example of a gin that does not taste good. It does not taste like a delicious pine tree. It tastes like a rotten pine tree. My favorite gin is 12 Bridges. It’s made in Portland and it has a fancy bottle. The quality of gin is best measured by drinking it. But another indicator of alcohol quality is how fancy the bottle is. If the bottle of alcohol you are looking at has a picture of something on the other side of the bottle, visible through the alcohol, it is probably high quality and expensive. 12...

Vernonia Century ...

Let me offer you my account of the descent into madness that will from this point forward be called simply Vernonia. Named after the village at the halfway point of a celebrated 100 mile ride, I knew Vernonia only as a marker on the logging map from the hit Discovery Channel television show “Xtreme Culinary Disasters of...

Kings Valley Road Ra...

Kings Valley is a town founded by lazy people. I discovered this by searching the internet, which is the primary source of information for lazy people. If I had what old people call “gumption,” I would go to the historical society and try to learn more about it. But that sounds time consuming. You know, going...

SRAM shifters Apr13

SRAM shifters

Since purchasing a bike with the rumored-superior SRAM components, many people have asked me how I like it. The girl I bought my bike from raved about how great it was. More and more people seem to be switching over to it. And the SRAM chains cost more than the Shimano ones, so they must be doing something right. But as far as...

Titanium Blades and Competition Rubbers Apr10

Titanium Blades and Competition Rubbers

I just got a table tennis catalog in the mail. It’s called Paddle Palace, and it has everything that the competitive table tennis player could ever need. I want to call it ping pong, but I think that might be like calling a little person a “midget”. I put the catalog on the back of the toilet because I think it’s funnier than the other things on the back of the toilet, like my hand knitted toilet paper cozy and back issues of Readers Digest. The catalog is full of action shots of serious and sweaty table tennis players. I can’t tell if these people are table tennis celebrities, or just models dressed up as professional table tennis players. It’s awesome either way. If I were attractive, I would put...

De Ronde – Apr...

I was dubious about doing the Ronde non-race, hill-a-thon race. I worried that it would be a cold, brutal dude-fest and that I would get dropped immediately. But it was actually really fun. I met some friends before the start and together we went to the meeting spot. As we rode, other cyclists started appearing at our sides, as...

Birdland – 55 miles

In the kitchen area at work they have stash of tea. Usually it’s just the awful Lipton variety. But today they had something different. Something special. It was called New Mother tea. It promotes lactation. I don’t know what “lactation” is, but I assume that it is similar to “endurance” and that it is a byproduct of “electrolytes” and “antioxidants”. I always hear my more athletic friends talking about their lactation threshold and their lactation acids. So I made some. I’m drinking it now. I can’t tell if I’m lactating more than usual because I don’t have a power meter. But my cheeks are flush and I feel a warm glow. I wish I’d had some of this...

Banana Belt #4: Marc...

I took 5 bananas. I ate two, but the rest I took home to put on my morning oatmeal. Money in the bank!

Interview: Team High School Mar22

Interview: Team High...

I know I say this a lot, but I love teens. And not in a creepy way. I swear. I think I just have a lot of memories of looking up to cooler, older people when I was a teen, and now I feel fully ready to now step into that role. The problem is, most teens don’t really care about the stuff I do. They like their Gossip Girl and...

Spand and Deliver II...

I was waiting for Dawn to finish her interview with Team High School as a review of Spand and Deliver III: Spandier and Deliverier. But those high school kids can’t seem to focus without Ritalin. They’re too busy doing drugs and listening to that damned rock and roll music. AND GET OFF MY LAWN! But I feel like...

Bottom Bracket Mar16

Bottom Bracket

As I continue my fool’s tour of bicycle anatomy, let me guide you to the next in a long line of misunderstood components: the bottom bracket. While its job seems to be a pretty simple one (connect the two crank arms and spin!), the bottom bracket acts like that crappy employee that we all have at our respective jobs, the...

Firehouse

I really love it when I put a dollar in the vending machine at work and my Twix gets stuck. Then watching the vending machine angrily process it’s failure like R2D2, stomping around on it’s stubby little legs, before it sighs and concedes, dropping a second Twix bar for free. I know that this is anthropomorphizing the...

Banana Belt #2.5 or 3 – March 15, 2009

I was going to try to write a race report about the 2nd (technically the 3rd) Banana Belt, but what can you say about a race that you just did a few weeks before? The only real difference was the rain and the lack of personalized birthday cakes (I am petitioning for those to be a weekly thing next year). So instead, I think I’ll use this internet time to talk about my plan to become a true professional cyclist. Now, I don’t know if you guys have noticed, but bike races cost a lot! Even more than last year. If someone asked me to go see a band or go out to a dinner that would cost me $25*, I wouldn’t even consider it. But somehow I am willing to shell out that much – plus gas money – almost weekly to do...

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