Mt. Tabor Series – 2010

I really want to talk about the Mt. Tabor series, but all I can really discuss these days is my new slow motion camera. It’s just like a regular shitty old digital camera… IF A REGULAR SHITTY OLD DIGITAL CAMERA TOOK AMAZING SLOW MOTION VIDEOS! The uses are limitless. Unless you’re like me, in which case the uses are limited to funny faces and flying kittens. So let’s just set aside the details of the tabor races for a second, and instead feast our eyes on this… Yea. It’s a race video. In slow motion. With a crazy kid spinning around like Stevie Nicks in the foreground. The Mt. Tabor Race Series is exactly the same as it was last year. And the year before that. In fact, I think they just change the dates...

Canby Ferry – ...

Every time I attempt to write about the Canby Ferry ride, my fingers go all autopilot on me and I type “Candy Fairy.” Which is certainly creepy, and obviously points to some deep seeded childhood issues related to my love of “tasting the rainbow.” Which is drug talk. If your drug is Skittles and you were...

Now with more cats. Jun14

Now with more cats.

So the website is back. It was here. Then it was stalled. Then it was totally gone. And now it’s totally back. One hundred percent. Some people will say that the Vitamin D is what got us motivated. Others will say that it’s Editor’s fancy new smartphone that allows him to send and receive funny messages. And...

Mississippi Crit – June 12, 2010

I have to say that this has been one super fun week of cycling. It’s been so fun that it almost makes me want to start talking about cycling again. So consider this my triumphant return to the world of competitive talking about somewhat competitive cycling. I welcomed myself back by going for a truly stellar bike ride before attending a BBQ on the route of the Mississippi Crit. I’ve been listening to people recount the amazing end of this race for 24 hours. Even my coworkers are talking about it. It’s practically an internet meme these days, like the sneezing panda or Star Wars kid. Though he swears “this has never happened to him before”, the tiniest sprinter is a premature celebrator. And he prematurely...

Cross Crusade #5-6: ...

This weekend a bunch of bike racers went to Astoria. At the time it seemed like fun. But now that I’ve been reading the internet it sounds like it was mostly miserable, and I just remembered it wrong. For me, it comes down to this simple relaization: I’m happy to spend time with people who drink beer, but I think...

Cross Crusade #3: Sh...

It’s Tuesday, so I’m sure that both of you have already scoured the internet for all of the race reports and photos. Blah blah blah… a hill… blah blah blah… then everyone stopped for a little log… blah blah blah… horse poop… blah blah blah. Personally, I’m still reeling from...

The Greater ‘C...

It’s widely known that Vancouver, BC was colonized by hippies during the Vietnam war, eager to escape the oppressive stranglehold of “the man”. It’s less known that Vancouver, Washington was similarly colonized, but by stuffy bankers and corporate middle managers eager to escape the oh…progressive...

Northwest Knee Warmers Embrocation Oct04

Northwest Knee Warmers Embrocation

Rather than pretending that I know how things work, I’ve decided to spend this cyclocross season writing about shit I don’t understand. Things like math. Or road racing tactics. Or satisfying women sexually. So let’s just add embrocation to that list. As far as I can tell, embrocation is a fancy word for Bengay and cross racers use it to to create a burning sensation on all of their cold-weather-exposed extremities (ie: the parts that your bathing suit doesn’t cover). People have “recipes”. They create “blends”. Then they “win” “races”. So there is obviously something to it. I’ve never used it. I just wear knee warmers. The old fashioned kind made of textiles....

Blind Date at the Dairy #1 – Sept 23, 2009

Blind Date at the Dairy is a new cyclocross series at Alpenrose. While many people are excited that it is in the dark, I’m excited that it is cheap. With all of that money I save racing cheaper races, I can get all jacked up on Double Soy Breve Caramel Mochiatochinos from the new McCafe at McDonalds. I also like it because the fields are not 120 people thick, so my chances of lower than 100th place are substantially reduced. Not impossible. But unlikely. Luckily, the Single Speed race wasn’t dark. I think it’s much easier to race a bike in the daylight. Unlike wooing women. Which I find almost impossible to do in the daylight. Or when they’re intelligent. Or when they’re sober. Really, only the A race was in...

Double Cross –...

The Hood River Double Cross weekend in Hood River had both good parts and bad parts. The bad parts were the parts where I had to ride my bike in circles around the school as fast as possible. Those parts were bad because they made me feel awful. Physically and emotionally. The good parts were all of the other parts of the...

Update from the Midwest Sep06

Update from the Midw...

Point your finger accusingly towards the center of a US map, and you’ll be pointing right at me. I’m a Midwesterner, once again, and after years of self-determined exile I’d like to posit the controversial opinion that it’s not so bad. I know, I know, that’s not what you thought I’d say. But hear me out—I’ve...

Po’ Shines

The internet is generally where shy people hang out, and pretend that they’re functional and confident and attractive. And sometimes exchange money orders and photos of their genitalia. But the best part of the internet is making friends that you would never have met otherwise. Functional, confident, attractive friends. Like Dawn and her movie club. Or me and my sensual masseuse from Craigslist. Or ALL STAR sosovelo witty commenter Sixty, who introduced me to perhaps the greatest secret food establishment in all of Portland, Po’ Shines in Kenton. I made it clear at one point that I’m in a long term committed relationship with my favorite breakfast restaurant ever, Arleta Library Cafe. But I’ve been straying a bit...

Ass-u-puncture Jul31

Ass-u-puncture

After a month of backaches and inactivity, the day I had been dreaming about finally arrived: My back started feeling normal. I played it safe and took it easy for a few days, but after no changes for the worse, I triumphantly decided to begin riding a bike again. I threw some cruiser bars and flat pedals on my mountain bike to...

Baby Got Back Problems Jul17

Baby Got Back Proble...

So, the other day I really messed up my back. I didn’t do it, as one would suppose, doing any of the many extreme sports I participate in. Nor did this injury occur during one of my many feats-of-strength moves: opening difficult jar lids, taking out the recycling, refilling and then reinstalling the water cooler bottle...

One Whole Chicken In A Can Jul16

One Whole Chicken In...

I’m a pretty lousy cyclist, and like to find excuses why this is the fault of someone or something else. Like Sarah Palin. Todays excuse is my diet, which is 90% bread and cookies and 10% ice cream. Or “gelato” if I’m feeling fancy. My diet lacks protein. Luckily, I’ve discovered One Whole Chicken...

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