For runners and Newsies fans Mar29

For runners and News...

I realize that my job is starting to get to me, because every time I sit down to try and write something it comes out sounding angry. I’ve been in front of the computer so long, I’m starting to refer to the recovery period during races as “buffering” and then getting frustrated when it doesn’t...

Canby Ferry – ...

Every time I attempt to write about the Canby Ferry ride, my fingers go all autopilot on me and I type “Candy Fairy.” Which is certainly creepy, and obviously points to some deep seeded childhood issues related to my love of “tasting the rainbow.” Which is drug talk. asics soldes If your drug is...

Heiser Farm CX: Octo...

Ah, autumn. nike air presto The mornings are crisp and foggy, and people have again begun tweeting preventative excuses for their poor race performances (“I’m so sick” or “I’m working so hard” or “I haven’t been on the bike in X weeks”.) So much has changed since I wrote...

2010 Portland USGP

Forties and fifties of people came out on Saturday to watch the celebrities of a small subgroup (cyclocross) of a much larger not-so-popular sport (cycling) that doesn’t get a fraction of the media attention of Juniors Figure Skating duke it out for overall supremacy at PIR. Maybe it’s because cyclists never have...

Cross Crusade #5-6: ...

This weekend a bunch of bike racers went to Astoria. At the time it seemed like fun. But now that I’ve been reading the internet it sounds like it was mostly miserable, and I just remembered it wrong. For me, it comes down to this simple relaization: I’m happy to spend time with people who drink beer, but I think...

Cross Crusade #3: Sh...

It’s Tuesday, so I’m sure that both of you have already scoured the internet for all of the race reports and photos. Blah blah blah… a hill… blah blah blah… then everyone stopped for a little log… blah blah blah… horse poop… blah blah blah. Personally, I’m still reeling from...

The Greater ‘C...

It’s widely known that Vancouver, BC was colonized by hippies during the Vietnam war, eager to escape the oppressive stranglehold of “the man”. It’s less known that Vancouver, Washington was similarly colonized, but by stuffy bankers and corporate middle managers eager to escape the oh…progressive...

Northwest Knee Warmers Embrocation Oct04

Northwest Knee Warmers Embrocation

Rather than pretending that I know how things work, I’ve decided to spend this cyclocross season writing about shit I don’t understand. Things like math. Or road racing tactics. Or satisfying women sexually. So let’s just add embrocation to that list. As far as I can tell, embrocation is a fancy word for Bengay and cross racers use it to to create a burning sensation on all of their cold-weather-exposed extremities (ie: the parts that your bathing suit doesn’t cover). People have “recipes”. They create “blends”. Then they “win” “races”. So there is obviously something to it. I’ve never used it. I just wear knee warmers. The old fashioned kind made of textiles....

Blind Date at the Dairy #1 – Sept 23, 2009

Blind Date at the Dairy is a new cyclocross series at Alpenrose. While many people are excited that it is in the dark, I’m excited that it is cheap. With all of that money I save racing cheaper races, I can get all jacked up on Double Soy Breve Caramel Mochiatochinos from the new McCafe at McDonalds. I also like it because the fields are not 120 people thick, so my chances of lower than 100th place are substantially reduced. Not impossible. But unlikely. Luckily, the Single Speed race wasn’t dark. I think it’s much easier to race a bike in the daylight. Unlike wooing women. Which I find almost impossible to do in the daylight. Or when they’re intelligent. Or when they’re sober. Really, only the A race was in...

Double Cross –...

The Hood River Double Cross weekend in Hood River had both good parts and bad parts. The bad parts were the parts where I had to ride my bike in circles around the school as fast as possible. Those parts were bad because they made me feel awful. Physically and emotionally. The good parts were all of the other parts of the...

Update from the Midwest Sep06

Update from the Midw...

Point your finger accusingly towards the center of a US map, and you’ll be pointing right at me. I’m a Midwesterner, once again, and after years of self-determined exile I’d like to posit the controversial opinion that it’s not so bad. I know, I know, that’s not what you thought I’d say. But hear me out—I’ve...

Ass-u-puncture Jul31

Ass-u-puncture

After a month of backaches and inactivity, the day I had been dreaming about finally arrived: My back started feeling normal. I played it safe and took it easy for a few days, but after no changes for the worse, I triumphantly decided to begin riding a bike again. I threw some cruiser bars and flat pedals on my mountain bike to...

Jackson Quarry – 47 Miles

This country has a lot of weird shit in it. When I was a kid, I remember going into a rest stop in Missouri that had a severed head floating in formaldehyde, just sitting on the counter. Nobody famous. Just some guy. This head was supposed to make me want to buy more Gatorade or something, but they put it next to the picked eggs, which I remember just made me feel conflicted. And I love picked eggs. Now I’ve just read that a pawn shop in Texas has Pancho Villa’s trigger finger in their collection. Until today, I had always assumed that Pancho Villa was just another Cuban revolutionary who sold T-shirts with his picture on them to tourists who thought he somehow represented “sticking it to the man.” But it turns out...

Top 6 Sports Movies that have nothing to do with bikes Jun29

Top 6 Sports Movies ...

Sports movies are better than other movies because sports movies know that you have to put an awesome song right before people are about to do something awesome. Like when the Karate Kid is whupping some surfer dude ass, and they’re playing that “You’re the Best” song by someone that no one has ever...

Batter Blaster Jun29

Batter Blaster

Batter Blaster is a pressurized organic pancake batter gun. Imagine Han Solo. Now imagine Han Solo concerned about the effects of pesticides both on the environment and in the food he consumes. Now imagine Han Solo making pancakes for Leia on a Sunday morning wearing Boba Fett underoos. That’s pretty much the whole thing right there. Also, I think that you can use it for whippets. New Seasons had it, but then they sold all of it. To me. And never restocked. You can still buy Batter Blaster at Fred...

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