Canby Ferry – ...

Every time I attempt to write about the Canby Ferry ride, my fingers go all autopilot on me and I type “Candy Fairy.” Which is certainly creepy, and obviously points to some deep seeded childhood issues related to my love of “tasting the rainbow.” Which is drug talk. If your drug is Skittles and you were...

The Greater ‘C...

It’s widely known that Vancouver, BC was colonized by hippies during the Vietnam war, eager to escape the oppressive stranglehold of “the man”. It’s less known that Vancouver, Washington was similarly colonized, but by stuffy bankers and corporate middle managers eager to escape the oh…progressive...

Jackson Quarry – 47 Miles

This country has a lot of weird shit in it. When I was a kid, I remember going into a rest stop in Missouri that had a severed head floating in formaldehyde, just sitting on the counter. Nobody famous. Just some guy. This head was supposed to make me want to buy more Gatorade or something, but they put it next to the picked eggs, which I remember just made me feel conflicted. And I love picked eggs. Now I’ve just read that a pawn shop in Texas has Pancho Villa’s trigger finger in their collection. Until today, I had always assumed that Pancho Villa was just another Cuban revolutionary who sold T-shirts with his picture on them to tourists who thought he somehow represented “sticking it to the man.” But it turns out...

Little Switzerland &...

I’m not one to make excuses, but I haven’t written anything lately because I’ve been in Switzerland. The big one. I was there researching this ride in Oregon, the little one, the one you’re reading about right now. It was a long flight just to check facts that I’ll be fabricating anyway, so now...

Ward’s Wild Ride #2 – 85 Miles

The name “Ward’s Wild Ride #2″ implies that Ward goes on lots of wild rides. Enough of them that they need to be numbered Dewey Decimal style for organizational purposes. Which is totally true. Every mysterious ride in Portland that involves skinny tires and long gravel sections can be somehow traced back to Ward. She’s the Kevin Bacon of local adventure cycling, never more than six connections from your favorite off road “road” ride. The “wild” part of this route is at the ten mile marker of Larch Mountain. That’s the part where the gate remains closed because of snow. That’s also the part where Ward says “let’s ride this crazy steep gravel road only I know...

Portland to Olympia – 135 Miles

Running from your problems is generally considered a bad thing I think, but after getting pretty much fucked in the face by school this term I decided I seriously needed a mini vacation. The problem is that I recently joined the one-less-car club (not by choice). I have also been a long-term member of the much-less-money club. This makes travel difficult. Somehow these factors led me to decide that I should ride my bike to Olympia, spend the night, and then take the train back the next day. I hastily bought a return ticket on Amtrak so I couldn’t chicken out and started trying to find bike routes to my destination. An amazing thing about the internet it that you assume you can find anything on it, so when you can’t find...

Vernonia Century ...

Let me offer you my account of the descent into madness that will from this point forward be called simply Vernonia. Named after the village at the halfway point of a celebrated 100 mile ride, I knew Vernonia only as a marker on the logging map from the hit Discovery Channel television show “Xtreme Culinary Disasters of...

Birdland – 55 miles

In the kitchen area at work they have stash of tea. Usually it’s just the awful Lipton variety. But today they had something different. Something special. It was called New Mother tea. It promotes lactation. I don’t know what “lactation” is, but I assume that it is similar to “endurance” and that it is a byproduct of “electrolytes” and “antioxidants”. I always hear my more athletic friends talking about their lactation threshold and their lactation acids. So I made some. I’m drinking it now. I can’t tell if I’m lactating more than usual because I don’t have a power meter. But my cheeks are flush and I feel a warm glow. I wish I’d had some of this...

One Hour Rides ̵...

Okay, so I can’t do this ride in an hour. But I really wanted other people to do it, and come home thinking “Wow, that Editor is fast!” But it isn’t true. I’m not fast. And I can’t do this ride in an hour. This is why in high school I was voted “most likely to lie to make...

Palette Factory – 64 Miles

I’ve got nothing to say about North Plains and I blame the winter. Early this season I was really excited to ride. Anywhere. It was so sunny and brisk all the time. But now when I ride, I’m spending all of my time thinking about future rides in the sun. So even when it gets sunny on Winter rides, I don’t notice. Because I’m already upset with my current ride for the Winter-ness that it has the potential to display. The same way a lousy dog owner will sit around with a rolled up newspaper just waiting for the rug-peeing that every untrained puppy has the potential to commit. Stop peeing on my rug, Winter. I tried to talk to Tommy about my magic Xbox, that streams movies and plays weird Japanese import games from the...

Milwaukie – ? ...

I just found out that it is illegal in the state of Oregon to do hilly rides at the beginning of the year. Obviously as a law-abiding cyclist, I was instantly ashamed and appalled at my multiple West Hills/Tabor-related offenses from last year. And while I don’t want to accuse our fine state of unjust legislature, I have...

Sauvie Island – 42 Miles

First off, Sauvie Island is Sauvie Island. Not possessive (like Gilligan’s) and not plural (like the San Juans). Just Sauvie. Let’s all get together on this. Sauvie. Island. Second, it’s beautiful. Beautiful and boring. Like Akira Kurasawa movies. For my riding pleasure, I almost don’t think that you can get more boring. Just flat and straight. With traffic. So riding to Sauvie Island is all about the company. My company on this ride is Dawn. And Dawn is always splendid company. On the way out there we talked about normal ride things. Like bike parts and bike racing and boners. I think these are normal ride conversations because they always get discussed with the people I ride with. But as time passes, I’ve...

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