Members Only Jackets Jan14

Members Only Jackets

If this winter has taught me one thing, it’s that the Gilmore Girls is just as relevant today as it was when it came out. But if this winter has taught me another thing, it’s that my thermal bibs are not thermal enough. At least not where my bathing suit covers. Every post-ride shower lately has ended with me...

TRP CX9 Mini V-brakes Nov16

TRP CX9 Mini V-brake...

I’ve never seen “Fiddler on the Roof,” but I heard the opening song Tradition one time when I was 14 because I wanted to make out with a girl named Gretchen who was really into musical theater.  I don’t know any of the words, but the tune gets stuck in my head every time someone buys something stupid...

1999 Schwinn Homegrown Nov05

1999 Schwinn Homegrown

Jesus, it’s November 5th and I’m finally getting over my election day hangover. It’s all a blur of whisky and anger, but I assume things went horribly, horribly wrong because Nancy Pilosi just handed over her gavel to to guy with a fake tan that could best be described as “Moltini”, and now she’s selling her no-longer-in-Powertap on the OBRA list. Californians can’t grow pot. Oregonians can’t spend their social security checks at the casino. Our prudish overlords have even decided that Washingtonians can’t buy booze at Costco. Goddammit, people! Kirkland brand Scotch is my birthright, and I’m tired of going to Nevada to get it! At least the people of Delaware can go back to...

Buyers Guide: Clincher Tires Oct29

Buyers Guide: Clinch...

It’s cyclocross season, and that means that internet forums are all abuzz with people making up scientific reasons why the tire they just bought is probably the best tire available. I’m sure there’s some actual science behind it all. The knobs and ridges and stuff. But fuck science. It’s never given us...

Sodastream Jul28

Sodastream

I just bought a carbonated water machine. I bought it because I like carbonated water more than flat water. And because Mark has one, and I want to be more like Mark. I showed it to C, and her first question was “Can you carbonate urine?” but I explained that the instructions recommend that you only carbonate water....

Catlike Helmets

I know I might sound naive in saying this, but when you order stuff online you don’t always get the thing you’re picturing while ordering. Like one time my friend Dar bought some “adorable” pots and pans from ebay, and they turned out to be adorable because they were American-Girl-Doll-sized. She was too embarrassed to return them and I’m pretty sure they still hang on a miniature rack near her real, non-adorable pots and pans that she actually cooks with. I went through this recently when purchasing a Catlike Helmet from the internet. I was obviously excited when the package arrived, but opened it only to discover that these helmets are nothing like cats at all! They’re just helmets! Giro-Like or...

Northwest Knee Warmers Embrocation Oct04

Northwest Knee Warmers Embrocation

Rather than pretending that I know how things work, I’ve decided to spend this cyclocross season writing about shit I don’t understand. Things like math. Or road racing tactics. Or satisfying women sexually. So let’s just add embrocation to that list. As far as I can tell, embrocation is a fancy word for Bengay and cross racers use it to to create a burning sensation on all of their cold-weather-exposed extremities (ie: the parts that your bathing suit doesn’t cover). People have “recipes”. They create “blends”. Then they “win” “races”. So there is obviously something to it. I’ve never used it. I just wear knee warmers. The old fashioned kind made of textiles....

One Whole Chicken In A Can Jul16

One Whole Chicken In...

I’m a pretty lousy cyclist, and like to find excuses why this is the fault of someone or something else. Like Sarah Palin. Todays excuse is my diet, which is 90% bread and cookies and 10% ice cream. Or “gelato” if I’m feeling fancy. My diet lacks protein. Luckily, I’ve discovered One Whole Chicken...

Top 6 Sports Movies that have nothing to do with bikes Jun29

Top 6 Sports Movies ...

Sports movies are better than other movies because sports movies know that you have to put an awesome song right before people are about to do something awesome. Like when the Karate Kid is whupping some surfer dude ass, and they’re playing that “You’re the Best” song by someone that no one has ever...

Batter Blaster Jun29

Batter Blaster

Batter Blaster is a pressurized organic pancake batter gun. Imagine Han Solo. Now imagine Han Solo concerned about the effects of pesticides both on the environment and in the food he consumes. Now imagine Han Solo making pancakes for Leia on a Sunday morning wearing Boba Fett underoos. That’s pretty much the whole thing right there. Also, I think that you can use it for whippets. New Seasons had it, but then they sold all of it. To me. And never restocked. You can still buy Batter Blaster at Fred...

12 Bridges Gin Apr21

12 Bridges Gin

This is a review of gin, written in the style of a drunken middle school book report. Gin is alcohol that tastes like delicious pine trees. There are many types of gin, but only some of them taste delicious. Aristrocrat brand is an example of a gin that does not taste good. It does not taste like a delicious pine tree. It tastes like a rotten pine tree. My favorite gin is 12 Bridges. It’s made in Portland and it has a fancy bottle. The quality of gin is best measured by drinking it. But another indicator of alcohol quality is how fancy the bottle is. If the bottle of alcohol you are looking at has a picture of something on the other side of the bottle, visible through the alcohol, it is probably high quality and expensive. 12...

SRAM shifters Apr13

SRAM shifters

Since purchasing a bike with the rumored-superior SRAM components, many people have asked me how I like it. The girl I bought my bike from raved about how great it was. More and more people seem to be switching over to it. And the SRAM chains cost more than the Shimano ones, so they must be doing something right. But as far as...

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