Jesus, it’s November 5th and I’m finally getting over my election day hangover. It’s all a blur of whisky and anger, but I assume things went horribly, horribly wrong because Nancy Pilosi just handed over her gavel to to guy with a fake tan that could best be described as “Moltini”, and now she’s selling her no-longer-in-Powertap on the OBRA list. Californians can’t grow pot. Oregonians can’t spend their social security checks at the casino. Our prudish overlords have even decided that Washingtonians can’t buy booze at Costco. Goddammit, people! Kirkland brand Scotch is my birthright, and I’m tired of going to Nevada to get it! At least the people of Delaware can go back to...

I know I might sound naive in saying this, but when you order stuff online you don’t always get the thing you’re picturing while ordering. Like one time my friend Dar bought some “adorable” pots and pans from ebay, and they turned out to be adorable because they were American-Girl-Doll-sized. She was too embarrassed to return them and I’m pretty sure they still hang on a miniature rack near her real, non-adorable pots and pans that she actually cooks with. I went through this recently when purchasing a Catlike Helmet from the internet. I was obviously excited when the package arrived, but opened it only to discover that these helmets are nothing like cats at all! They’re just helmets! Giro-Like or...

Rather than pretending that I know how things work, I’ve decided to spend this cyclocross season writing about shit I don’t understand. Things like math. Or road racing tactics. Or satisfying women sexually. So let’s just add embrocation to that list. As far as I can tell, embrocation is a fancy word for Bengay and cross racers use it to to create a burning sensation on all of their cold-weather-exposed extremities (ie: the parts that your bathing suit doesn’t cover). People have “recipes”. They create “blends”. Then they “win” “races”. So there is obviously something to it. I’ve never used it. I just wear knee warmers. The old fashioned kind made of textiles....

Batter Blaster is a pressurized organic pancake batter gun. Imagine Han Solo. Now imagine Han Solo concerned about the effects of pesticides both on the environment and in the food he consumes. Now imagine Han Solo making pancakes for Leia on a Sunday morning wearing Boba Fett underoos. That’s pretty much the whole thing right there. Also, I think that you can use it for whippets. New Seasons had it, but then they sold all of it. To me. And never restocked. You can still buy Batter Blaster at Fred...

This is a review of gin, written in the style of a drunken middle school book report. Gin is alcohol that tastes like delicious pine trees. There are many types of gin, but only some of them taste delicious. Aristrocrat brand is an example of a gin that does not taste good. It does not taste like a delicious pine tree. It tastes like a rotten pine tree. My favorite gin is 12 Bridges. It’s made in Portland and it has a fancy bottle. The quality of gin is best measured by drinking it. But another indicator of alcohol quality is how fancy the bottle is. If the bottle of alcohol you are looking at has a picture of something on the other side of the bottle, visible through the alcohol, it is probably high quality and expensive. 12...