Red E

The Red E is now the best coffee shop in Portland to meet for group rides. And by “best” I mean “closest to my house”. It’s full of PCC students pretending to work on stuff but actually just checking their Facebook status. It’s also full of “creatives” meeting about things on...

Po’ Shines

The internet is generally where shy people hang out, and pretend that they’re functional and confident and attractive. And sometimes exchange money orders and photos of their genitalia. But the best part of the internet is making friends that you would never have met otherwise. Functional, confident, attractive friends. Like Dawn and her movie club. Or me and my sensual masseuse from Craigslist. Or ALL STAR sosovelo witty commenter Sixty, who introduced me to perhaps the greatest secret food establishment in all of Portland, Po’ Shines in Kenton. I made it clear at one point that I’m in a long term committed relationship with my favorite breakfast restaurant ever, Arleta Library Cafe. But I’ve been straying a bit...

Posies Cafe

Posies Cafe is a new coffee shop in Kenton, and it has the biggest glass doors of any coffee shop in all of North Portland*. These glass doors afford Posies the grandest view of the “Up In Smoke” head shop of any establishment in all of Kenton. Until now, Kenton has been the place I buy my booze and pray to the Paul...

Firehouse

I really love it when I put a dollar in the vending machine at work and my Twix gets stuck. Then watching the vending machine angrily process it’s failure like R2D2, stomping around on it’s stubby little legs, before it sighs and concedes, dropping a second Twix bar for free. I know that this is anthropomorphizing the...

The Black Cat

In light of recent preemptive attacks on my beloved coffee shop of choice, The Black Cat, I feel a certain responsibility to leap in with  a defense plan.  First of all, allow me to assert the controversial  reality that The Black Cat is the greatest coffee shop of all time.  Yes, I said it.  THE GREATEST. No, the coffee...

Coffeehouse 5

Despite my obsession with all puns, the name Coffeehouse 5 did not initially sit well with me. Calling a coffee shop a “coffee house” makes me think of weird, fake-Beatnik types, like Mike Meyers in So I Married An Axe Murderer. But Coffeehouse 5 (Or CH5 as Cait and I call it in our text messages) has slowly...

Albina Press –...

I already like the Albina Press as a pre-ride meeting spot. And I already wrote about it. But now there is another one. It’s almost exactly the same. Except it’s on Hawthorne. Not Albina. But it’s called Albina Press. On Hawthorne. I know, I don’t get it either. But stay with me. Just like the other...

Portway Tavern

Sometimes I get sad. I’m a downer. In a general kind of way. My friends and family like to say “you’re no fun at all” and “seriously, I’m not joking, you’re dragging this party down, please leave.” But my pediatrician once told me: “When life gets you down, ‘lil...

Stumptown – Be...

The last time I went to the Belmont Stumptown to meet for one of the local celebrity team rides, one of the local celebrities farted. And one of the other local celebrities called it out. Like this. “Hey, one of you farted.” And everyone nodded and mumbled in agreement. And then everyone looked around for obvious...

Arleta Library Baker...

Arleta Library Cafe has the best breakfasts in Portland. I know, I’ve said things like this before. But this time I mean it. It really, truly is the best breakfast in Portland. And the wait isn’t very long. And the people that work there are super nice. And the coffee is delicious and bottomless. And the baked goods...

Laughing Planet

I’m writing about burritos because as I sit here, eating a traditional Thanksgiving dinner of pepperoni pizza Hot Pockets and repeated shots of Pancho Villa tequila, I can’t stop thinking about the Pilgrims, and how beautiful those first burritos must have tasted to them in 1492. Things were harder back then, of...

Waffle Makers of Por...

Portland has gone waffle crazy, and I attribute it all to bike racing. You get one of those crazy race junkies talking about Belgium, and their eyes go all wonky and they start blathering about Walloon and the Phlegms and Sven Nys and the War Crimes Tribunal. And waffles, always waffles. Well you know what, excitable race guy?...

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