As I near the end of my first season of racing, let’s look back on the knowledge gained and lessons learned during the Cyclocross Race Season of ought-eight, which Alan Greenspan wearily describes as “irrationally exuberant”. These nuggets of wisdom contain a number of words that I do not understand, but I can remember my professors using them often and therefore assume that they are important. Not important enough to look up, but important. I’ll be updating this whenever I hear exciting new words.

Races entered: 12

Wins: 0

Top ten finishes: 0

My value as a cyclocross racer: -2

Net Worth: No matter what happens in a race, tell people that you were winning before you had a mechanical. Because your actual race results obviously have nothing to do with your actual skill. In fact, OBRA results should really work more like the free market, with complicated derivitives and futures markets that will allow us to rank racers based purely on perceived value and avoid all of the “I would have won if that guy hadn’t clipped me” talk on the online forums. The calculation is more complicated than a credit default swap, but I can tell you right now that a Master B racer with a shaved head and yellow booties that enjoys listening to Beyonce deserves to finish 3rd in Hillsboro. Change the music preference to Steve Miller, and that goes down to 6th. Change the bootie color to red, back up to 2nd. 

Pint glasses purchased: 1

Pint glasses stolen: 1

Net Pint glasses: 0

Opportunity Cost: The stronger you race, the later you get to sleep in. This is a renumerative incentive, with the benefit being sweet, sweet slumber. Beginners need to get up early. A’s get to sleep in and have a nice breakfast. There are, however, diminishing returns on your racing investment. If you become too fast, you have to race for 60 minutes (which is what economists call “fucked”). Mathmatically, the Pareto efficient racing position is top five 5 singlespeed finisher with a OBRA race number ending in 8. Proven. But don’t ask me to show my work. I’m a scientist and I don’t have time for that.

Perceived Value: Attractive people get photographed more. I am rarely photographed. Don’t think that I don’t notice.

Number of photos takenby me: 1,322,984,293

Number of non-blurry photos taken by me: 6

First Mover Advantage: You should always pedal beyond your abilities for the first 100 yards, even if you consistently end up in the bottom 5% of your class results, ignoring the behavioral economic theory of bounded rationality. There may be what are called “externalities” involved. For example, the plague could hit the 90 riders behind you who are, ceteris paribus, faster than you. Killing them all. In which case you may be able to gently pedal to a top ten finish. It could happen. And any race could be the race that it does. So don’t bother to start slow. Get out in front. 

Deflation (or Stagflation if you stop riding): Cowbells are a beautiful part of cyclocross. Except when they happen at the finish line line. Because you hear the cowbell before you see the lap counter than that says 4 laps left to go and feel your heart crumble. 

My teammate Emily was recently lamenting that none of the stuff left over from our recent kit order fit her. I immediately tried to comfort her by suggesting that she post something to the list asking to buy peoples’ old spandex in her size. This with met with a look of utter horror from Emily and gasps of disgust from everyone in earshot.

“I would never wear used spandex,” she said, appalled. Everyone else nodded and added such comparisons as, “it’s like wearing someone else’s underwear,” (uh, I’m guilty of that one too…but only if I know the person) and, “that’s how my friend got a staff infection,” (hey, I know that person and that is NOT how they got that infection!).

I was surprised to hear how many people were opposed to the sharing, trading, buying, and selling of used cycling apparel. Being that this is a website about bicycling and economics (and reviews of bad movies and television shows) I decided it was an apt platform to discuss the cost and health risks involved in new and used lycra.

I think I could possibly be the broke-est amateur competitive cyclist in Portland. This is common knowledge, and after joining a team I soon became their charity case, a role that I embraced wholeheartedly. Suddenly I was plied with torn skinsuits and decomposing shoe covers, my teammates’ spand-me-downs. So what if my crotch was now touching a chamois that my friend’s crotch used to touch? It has been through the laundry and IT WAS FREE! Here’s a chart that better illustrates my point:

Company  Item     Price  Total Savings

(Source: the internet)

Between this money saving tactic and all the free oatmeal I’ve been getting, bike racing is practically paying for itself!

“But what about the germs?!” naysayers still ask.

When I mentioned writing about this topic to my friend Israel, he frowned and said, “Used spandex? That’s like playing Russian Roulette with your genitals!…Hey you know that could apply to a lot of other scenarios…like when you shoot a gun loaded with only one bullet at your crotch.”

Ummm…sort of…but not really.

So, Israel and assembled anti-spand-me-down-ers (with emphasis on  downer), valid point, but the microbial lifespan of most germs (be it bacteria or virus) is very brief (except for anthrax and smallpox…so just don’t buy shorts from your friends who’ve had those). Many forms of harmful bacteria can be killed with just soap and water.

So just wash your new/old shorts and chill out! And when you’re sick of them, patch them with pieces of your other old lyrca and pass them on to your broke friends.

People don’t like to share their training rides, because everyone wants to be the pioneer who casually drops knowledge of the most awesomest thing ever. It’s always been that way. Hip bands. Rock climbing. Unusual sex positions. They like to act smug and say “Oh, you’ve never been to this club/bolted route/sex position before?” and “I’ve been listing to/climbing here/humping like this for years, long before all these kids found it.” But the unfortunate side of being selfish with your cyclocross spots is that the season is so short, skills so specific and varied, and practice locations so few and far between that any tribal knowledge is wasted 10 months out of each year. So fuck it. Here are some maps of cool spots to go play around. Follow tracks and discover the obstacles.

Pier Park

A fun little park that once hosted races, the normal route is pretty fast with a couple of rideable run-ups. But beware of frisbees thrown in anger by Phish phan phrisbee golphers. Don’t taze me, bro!

205 Course

I think this place started as a hangout of cutty teens drinking Super Double Gulps, smoking weed and talking about how their dad won’t get off their case about getting a job. It’s a fun, long course with some elevation change, natural barriers, a pair of run-ups, and some piles of dirt built by BMX bandits.

Superfun(d)!
Behind U of P, this spot might have another name. A normal name. And I’m sure that you’re not “allowed” to ride it. But it is, as it’s unofficial name implies, superfun(d)! The barriers are burned out warehouses, and the hazards are the acres of broken glass against your fancy new Grifos. But it’s a cool spot to ride around, anyway. If you want to go unnoticed, bring spray paint and whipped cream canisters. You’ll blend right in.

Other favorite spots not worthy of maps:
- Mt. Tabor
- The pile of dirt in my driveway
- The grass field behind my work

As one of the few online Bicycling and Economics Magazines out there, we feel a degree of responsibility to educate the common (ie: dumb) reader about the complicated and delicate ballet these two related topics play in our everyday lives. Yes, we may use scientific phrases that could be confusing, like “dirt poor” or “broke-ass” (hyphenated, as it was in the original Latin), but don’t be put off. If you struggle through the bulk of the information here, you may learn something.

As I watched the market panic this afternoon after the House voted down the bailout package, I initially thought of the words of Herbert Hoover who said, famously, of the Crash of ’29: “Shit.” Like most Americans, I had also hoped that this bailout package would pass, as I had already spent my portion of the bailout kicker check that imagined we would all receive (roughly $88,000) on 44 pairs of EC90 carbon wheels. I was not buying these wheels for me. No. That would be selfish. I would purchase these wheels to stimulate the economy, and I would ride a different pair each week in honor of the brave men and women who forclosed on their homes and made this kicker check possible. God bless us. And never forget.

But after thinking more about it, I realized that the S&P drop of 10% this afternoon is actually a good thing for me and my cycling hobby. Let me count the ways:

1. While the value of the dollar may fall, the value of my bicycles in Mad Max-like post-economic apocalypse will skyrocket. Bikes are no longer just Veblen goods for elite athletes. So throw some spikes on that Langster and post it to craigslist. You’ll soon be knee deep in worthless US dollars.

2. No job = lots of ride time = an amazing race season: Those Free Market fools from the Chicago School were wrong about macro principles but right about competitve cycling! Without the external intervention of “the man” (you know… like working), the racing this season is going to be top quality.

3. I don’t really have any money anyway, so any tears I shed are just tears of social anxiety. Like when you’re sitting in room of people listening to Prairie Home Companion, and everyone starts laughing when they make an ol’ timey sound effect, and then I start laughing just because everyone else did. Well, I didn’t actually think that was funny. I just didn’t know what else to do.

4. I’m out. I’m out of ideas. So… three. There are three ways that this was a good thing.

I’m going to go buy 40lbs of rice. Have a nice ride.