Little Switzerland &...

I’m not one to make excuses, but I haven’t written anything lately because I’ve been in Switzerland. The big one. I was there researching this ride in Oregon, the little one, the one you’re reading about right now. It was a long flight just to check facts that I’ll be fabricating anyway, so now...

The Future Jun16

The Future

I’ve seen the future, and it isn’t that cool. We’re getting dangerously close to 2015 of Back to the Future, and we have almost nothing to show for it. We were supposed to have some Jetson’s shit going, with conveyor belts and video phones and whiny robots that complain about cleaning up. Instead,...

Mt. Tabor Series ...

When I’m not busy worrying about the swine flu pandemic or the collapse of our delicately balanced financial system, I like to kick back with tall boy and worry about volcanoes. And I’ve just learned that we’re living on a SUPER VOLCANO. What’s the difference between a regular volcano and a super...

Posies Cafe

Posies Cafe is a new coffee shop in Kenton, and it has the biggest glass doors of any coffee shop in all of North Portland*. These glass doors afford Posies the grandest view of the “Up In Smoke” head shop of any establishment in all of Kenton. Until now, Kenton has been the place I buy my booze and pray to the Paul...

Ward’s Wild Ride #2 – 85 Miles

The name “Ward’s Wild Ride #2″ implies that Ward goes on lots of wild rides. Enough of them that they need to be numbered Dewey Decimal style for organizational purposes. Which is totally true. Every mysterious ride in Portland that involves skinny tires and long gravel sections can be somehow traced back to Ward. She’s the Kevin Bacon of local adventure cycling, never more than six connections from your favorite off road “road” ride. The “wild” part of this route is at the ten mile marker of Larch Mountain. That’s the part where the gate remains closed because of snow. That’s also the part where Ward says “let’s ride this crazy steep gravel road only I know...

The Cyclist’s Guide to Body Hair May11

The Cyclist’s ...

I don’t know why cyclists shave their legs. They seem to have a million reasons, each of them different, but I think they might all be stupid. The reasons, I mean. Not the leg shaving cyclists. They’ve got their motivations for being silky smooth, I assume. And since all of them are faster than me, I can’t...

Chickenball Run

The only racing I did this weekend was the Corndog-organized Chickenball Run. The race was equal parts bike riding and pinball. But more than that, it was a benefit race to raise money for Chicken who needs some kind of medical procedure related to Avian Flu. Which is like Pig Flu. But for poultry. Which we did. But I think we...

Mix Tape Recommendations May06

Mix Tape Recommendat...

I need some new riding music. I feel like I have a pretty large music collection, but it has an unfortunate percentage of novelty albums from the heyday of Napster. And while I enjoy kicking back after a long day of work with a nice Chardonnay and the soothing slow jams of Mr. T’s hit “Don’t Talk to...

EVENT: Chickenball R...

I don’t usually talk about upcoming events. But this one had Burt Reynolds and Dom Deluise on the flyer. They even put Dom in the Captain Chaos outfit that I loved so much growing up. So this event is already the best bike race that has ever not yet been raced in the history of future bike races. The race is on May 2nd...

12 Bridges Gin Apr21

12 Bridges Gin

This is a review of gin, written in the style of a drunken middle school book report. Gin is alcohol that tastes like delicious pine trees. There are many types of gin, but only some of them taste delicious. Aristrocrat brand is an example of a gin that does not taste good. It does not taste like a delicious pine tree. It tastes like a rotten pine tree. My favorite gin is 12 Bridges. It’s made in Portland and it has a fancy bottle. The quality of gin is best measured by drinking it. But another indicator of alcohol quality is how fancy the bottle is. If the bottle of alcohol you are looking at has a picture of something on the other side of the bottle, visible through the alcohol, it is probably high quality and expensive. 12...

Vernonia Century ...

Let me offer you my account of the descent into madness that will from this point forward be called simply Vernonia. Named after the village at the halfway point of a celebrated 100 mile ride, I knew Vernonia only as a marker on the logging map from the hit Discovery Channel television show “Xtreme Culinary Disasters of...

Kings Valley Road Ra...

Kings Valley is a town founded by lazy people. I discovered this by searching the internet, which is the primary source of information for lazy people. If I had what old people call “gumption,” I would go to the historical society and try to learn more about it. But that sounds time consuming. You know, going...

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