Members Only Jackets
If this winter has taught me one thing, it’s that the Gilmore Girls is just as relevant today as it was when it came out. But if this winter has taught me another thing, it’s that my thermal bibs are not thermal enough. At least not where my bathing suit covers. Every post-ride shower lately has ended with me cradling my manparts (not in a sexy way) under a stream of hot water, begging them “DON’T GO TOWARDS THE LIGHT CAROL ANN!” This isn’t a reference to Poltergeist. I’ve actually named my manparts Carol Ann.
So this is why I’m announcing my intention to create a committee to discuss the development of a business plan to produce a working prototype of a wiener cozy. Or koozie, if you’re a beer drinker. The idea is simple: it’s a thing you shove in your pants to keep your weiner warm. But unlike a cup of coffee, it won’t cause scalding. It’s more like the wool hat you currently use, but without the bunching or awkward bulge. The details aren’t yet… uh… fleshed out, but this is what I do know about my imaginary product.
- It will be called the “Members Only Jacket”
- It will come in three sizes. XXL. XXXL. XXXXL. Small didn’t test well.
- It will not be made of softshell fabric, because that doesn’t promote confidence.
- It will be “artisinal” and available in “boutiques” so that I may charge more.
- We will produce a 30 minute informercial that will show how complicated other warming solutions are, before someone with a fake Welsh accent will step in to show how fantastic the Members Only Jacket it. This informercial will be rated NC-17.