Heiser Farm CX: October 9, 2010 Oct15

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Heiser Farm CX: October 9, 2010

Ah, autumn. The mornings are crisp and foggy, and people have again begun tweeting preventative excuses for their poor race performances (“I’m so sick” or “I’m working so hard” or “I haven’t been on the bike in X weeks”.) So much has changed since I wrote basically the same stuff about the same bike races almost a year ago. Fall 2009 was another time altogether. Back then we were still full of hope, the idea of an anti-masturbation senator would have been just a pipe dream, like a flying car or 8% unemployment or V brakes on a cyclocross bike. Oh, how naive we were. The future is now. And the future is run by people who deny themselves pleasure. In the biblical sense, I mean.

And speaking of the future, I saw at Heiser Farms what can only be described at the pinnacle of science and technology. I’ve seen a potato gun or two in my day. All of them awesome. But nothing I’ve ever seen compares to the truck mounted pumpkin cannon at the farm. I couldn’t take my eyes off of it. Like a car wreck. Or exposed nipples. And in the short time I was at the farm, I developed a Pavlovian response to the vuvuzela that announced an impending launch. No matter what I was doing, I’d look to the sky for a flying pumpkin. I’m not good with weights or measures, but I have little doubt that some of these pumpkins flew TEN THOUSAND MILES.

Unfortunately, this caused serious problems with my race performance. I mean, I already had to worry about the fact that I’m SO SICK and I’ve been working SO HARD and I haven’t really ridden my bike in X WEEKS. But added to that, everytime the fucking canon kazoo went off I’d stop what I was doing (racing) and look up and exclaim “MY GOD DID YOU FUCKING SEE THAT?!”

Anyway, I didn’t even finish my race. Because I’m lame. But quitting was SO worth it. I saw a pumpkin get shot into a car and explode.

Bad. Ass.

SO if anyone stumbles across this in the future and is interested in the farm, that place is great. It was probably the most fun I’ve ever had at a bike event.

As for the rest of my time in McMinville, here is some additional awesome shit that happened.

Cruise Night: The entire community went feral and did burnouts on the main strip while the rest of the community screamed encouragement and the police made themselves scarce. And they did all of this to support the food bank. Lawlessness to support the food bank. I’ve never seen anything so odd and beautiful.

Theater Sale: The local theater decided to sell all of their old costumes. For a DOLLAR. We bought three pre-teen turquise and sequin dance outfits that we have yet to sucessfully squeeze into. But If I can somehoe shed the Freshman Fifteen I put on (a decade ago) I’m going to wear this to the bar.

Evergreen Aviation Museum: That place is staffed with the cutest old men wearing green vest. Also, the Spruce Goose.