Northwest Knee Warmers Embrocation Oct04


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Northwest Knee Warmers Embrocation

Rather than pretending that I know how things work, I’ve decided to spend this cyclocross season writing about shit I don’t understand. Things like math. Or road racing tactics. Or satisfying women sexually. So let’s just add embrocation to that list. As far as I can tell, embrocation is a fancy word for Bengay and cross racers use it to to create a burning sensation on all of their cold-weather-exposed extremities (ie: the parts that your bathing suit doesn’t cover). People have “recipes”. They create “blends”. Then they “win” “races”. So there is obviously something to it.

I’ve never used it. I just wear knee warmers. The old fashioned kind made of textiles. Specifically, they’re women’s medium sized knee warmers because I have dainty, girlish legs. And they’re still too small, so they always slide down in the middle of races, bunching up around my ankles and making me look like Olivia Newton John in the video for Physical.

At Alpenrose on Sunday, I was lucky enough to score a sample of some embrocation made my the people at Northwest Knee Warmers. It smells pretty. I would have eaten it right then and there had I not been warned. I’m that dumb. But I was warned, so I put it in my jersey pocket and forgot about it until tonight. Just now. Hours after my race.

My house is freezing and I can’t find my slippers, so I’ve decided to apply this embrocation liberally to my feet and watch some episodes of Mad Men while eating frozen yogurt.

* hours pass *

This may be the whiskey talking, but I’m a fucking genius. Don Draper may have marketed the Kodak Carousel, but let’s see that smug bastard come up with a marketing coup like the Liquid Slipperâ„¢.

This shit is like having your feet dipped in Snuggie. I can see the commercial already. “Slippers are so complicated. And socks always just slide right off. But now there’s Liquid Slipperâ„¢!” See, the problem with embrocation is the name. If Don Draper had been a cyclist, he would have come up with something better than “embrocation”. Embrocation sounds like a venereal disease, and if I want to have a venereal disease I’ll just buy another mail order bride from an obscure Baltic nation you’re probably never heard of anyway. But if I want my feet to feel amazing and toasty while sitting barefoot in a poorly insulated rental, I’ll buy some Liquid Slipperâ„¢!

I’d like to thank the people at Northwest Knee Warmers for the sample. It’s amazing. I plan to buy an extra 4oz at Rainier just to keep on the shoe rack.