Movie Club: Gingerdead Man Sep16


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Movie Club: Gingerdead Man

Gingerdead Man and Gingerdead Man II; The Passion of the Crust

Double Feature! Gingerdead Man and Gingerdead Man II: The Passion of the Crust. Like most movies we watch in this club, I assumed that I would have to grit my teeth and just get through GDM I and II. I knew that these movies would involve a gummy, Gary Busey-voiced, murderous cookie puppet wreaking havoc and that whole concept just didn’t sit well with me.

I have always hated horror movies. When I tell people this about movies like Gingerdead Man they always say, but this movie is so bad it’s funny! You’ll like this one. But I don’t. I almost like the “funny” horror movies less because the poor quality adds a new level of creepiness. All movies in which one person kills other people for fun really bum me out. Now, swap our “one person” for “many different kinds of dinosaurs” and that’s a completely different story. I’ll watch the shit out of that.

So, in order to shield my tender emotions from Gingerdead Man, I brought my bike to Sam’s in order to work on it during all bummer parts. Paige made Gingerbread cookies and I made frosting and Sam made mashed potatoes and it actually seemed like I had an arsenal of distractions within my reach. And for GDM that’s just how it was. I kept busy while a 1-foot-tall cookie murdered the staff of a bakery. But I watched enough to be able to wonder, “Why can’t these normal sized people fight a small, albeit possessed, baked good? I guess a similar thing happens in the Chucky movies (he’s just a doll!), but I have never seen those because they look fucking miserable.

Anyway, luckily for us GDM I was only 70 minutes long. So before we knew it we were on to the sequel: Gingerdead Man II; The Passion of the Crust.

We frosted cookies and settled in for more confusing, confection filled scenes. What we got was maybe 10 minutes of opening credits set to an odd cover of Joan Jett’s “Bad Reputation”. Only most of the lyrics just went, “run run run as fast as you can” over and over again. Every single person involved in the making of the second Gingerdead Man had their name flashed across the screen. This may be the longest song ever recorded that does not include a drawn out space jam at the end.

Finally the actual movie started. The first scene is set in a dungeon. A satanic ritual is being performed. Some Buffy-esque vampire demons are sacrificing a virgin in order to bring to life a group of evil puppets. The vampire leader chants out a spell that takes almost as long as the opening credits and then the puppets start to move. And this where we start to see that GDM II is going to be a lot better than its predecessor.

The puppets are known as the Tiny Terrors. I can’t remember all their names, but one is called the Knob Goblin and another is called Shit-For-Brains and one is the sickest veiny penis who is wearing a suit. There are others, but those were the 3 that really stood out.

Almost as soon as the puppets start to move, Shit-For-Brains explodes a bunch of (you guessed it) shit out of his head and you hear someone yell, “CUT!” It was just a movie! We are now watching a bad scary movie about people making a bad scary movie. So meta.

Even though I was armed with cookies and an impossible cantilever brake adjustment, I could not look away from this movie. Gingerdead Man ends up on the set, of course, but the focus is really on the weird characters in the puppet movie and in the other movies being filmed at the studio. Mind boggling movie titles are thrown around with hardly a care for their brilliance: Escape From Sloth Island, Space Spankers 2015, and best of all, Hamburger Time Traveler Detective. I could have happily watched an entire movie where characters just walked around making up movie names like these.

Sadly, this movie actually goes back to the sort-of plot and Gingerdead Man kills a bunch of people and there’s a weird scene where he masturbates (how?!) and then it gets homophobic and I started to look for more activities to distract myself and then Sam and Paige fell asleep sitting up. I decided to just go home at this point, but Sam woke up and made coffee and somehow we made it to the end where Gingerbread Man is crucified and lit on fire (duh!).

While we both agreed that the sequel was the superior, I still rode home feeling gross and weird. Space Buddies may have been cheesy, but everyone feels awesome after seeing puppies romp around on the moon.