Blind Date at the Dairy #1 – Sept 23, 2009 Sep25


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Blind Date at the Dairy #1 – Sept 23, 2009

Blind Date at the Dairy is a new cyclocross series at Alpenrose. While many people are excited that it is in the dark, I’m excited that it is cheap. With all of that money I save racing cheaper races, I can get all jacked up on Double Soy Breve Caramel Mochiatochinos from the new McCafe at McDonalds. I also like it because the fields are not 120 people thick, so my chances of lower than 100th place are substantially reduced. Not impossible. But unlikely.

Luckily, the Single Speed race wasn’t dark. I think it’s much easier to race a bike in the daylight. Unlike wooing women. Which I find almost impossible to do in the daylight. Or when they’re intelligent. Or when they’re sober.

Really, only the A race was in the dark. I’m going to pick on the guy who was in the front of the men’s field because I don’t know him. I have no idea who he is. And I’m too lazy to look his name up right now. But his technique seemed to work something like this:

Ride crazy fast for the first half of the race. Like amazing fast. Like so far in front of everyone else that people giggle and titter when you ride by and say things like, “That gentleman is going amazing fast and is so far in front of everyone as to render this entire race moot!”

Then, when other people start to catch you, start yelling at every turn “This is INSANE! This is SO DANGEROUS! We’re ALL GONNA DIE! God help us! This is like 9/11 out here! TERRORISTS! AL QUEDA! AHHHHHAHHAHA!!!”

Again, don’t start yelling this way until the second half the race. Ride very fast for the first half. So fast that it almost doesn’t seem dangerous at all. If your race tactic works, they’ll call the race right before second and third place catch you.

I’m only picking on you, guy-who-won, because I didn’t have to race in the dark. And because you don’t read this site. So I’m going to heckle from my ivory tower of bloggery.