One Whole Chicken In A Can
I’m a pretty lousy cyclist, and like to find excuses why this is the fault of someone or something else. Like Sarah Palin. Todays excuse is my diet, which is 90% bread and cookies and 10% ice cream. Or “gelato” if I’m feeling fancy. My diet lacks protein. Luckily, I’ve discovered One Whole Chicken In A Can. I think that this is both the product description and the brand. Judging by the label, this product was designed in the 70s. I expect that it may have also been packaged and shelved in the 70s, aging in it’s own juices like a fine single malt Scotch. One Whole Chicken In A Can makes a lousy mid-ride snack, mostly because it’s weird to carry it in a jersey pocket. But it might be a fantastic post-ride recovery food. Or drink. Or both. Depending on the type of can opener you use.
I used to purchase One Whole Chicken In A Can whenever someone I didn’t know (or like) would invite me to a birthday. I’m not very good at gift shopping. Or talking to people. Or making friends. Or math. But I love birthday cake. So I would give them One Whole Chicken In A Can, which required little thought or money on my side. And in return, I would be allowed to eat their party food, which often consisted of bread and cookies and ice cream. Or “gelato” if they were feeling fancy.
Everyone wins! Except the person who just got One Whole Chicken In A Can for their birthday.
I think that I’ve probably purchased around ten of these in my lifetime, but I’ve never seen one open and the contents are a total mystery. But this is what I know from looking at the can:
- One Whole Chicken In A Can is fully cooked. The sounds coming from inside the can, however, lead me to believe that it is actually still alive and attempting to mate with itself.
- One Whole Chicken In A Can does not contain gibblets, but does contain bones. And skin. And beak. And brain. I don’t know what a gibblet is, but I’m awed that they took the time to remove it and left all of the other shit. A gibblet must be really awful.
- One Whole Chicken In A Can weighs 3 lbs, and I’m left to wonder if the chickens are selected for can-hood based on their size or their weight. Is is possible that a climber chicken weighs 3 lbs but too tall to fit in the can? Or that a sprinter chicken fits nicely, but but weighs too much for the label? Perhaps One Whole Chicken In A Can selects only General Classification contenders.
Here’s a video of Sarah Palin talking about something while they throw turkeys into a wood chipper behind her. You betcha.