Ass-u-puncture Jul31


Related Posts

Share This


After a month of backaches and inactivity, the day I had been dreaming about finally arrived: My back started feeling normal. I played it safe and took it easy for a few days, but after no changes for the worse, I triumphantly decided to begin riding a bike again.

I threw some cruiser bars and flat pedals on my mountain bike to create, what I assumed was going to be, a veritable safety-mobile. Braving both a too-spinny-for-the-road gear ratio AND an apocalyptic heat wave, I happily set out to ride over to Crush for Cait’s very last going away party (she’s had about 12 during the time I’ve known her). I could scarcely believe I could be riding a bike without agonizing back pain. My future truly looked bright and I assure you, my spirits were soaring.

Sadly, this elation was short lived. On my way to Cait’s house after the party I misjudged a ramp onto the sidewalk and managed to eat shit going about 2 miles per hour. And just like that I rejoined the injured club.

After a pretty depressing month it was a seriously harsh blow to have my back pain come back in full force. The main bummer for me is the extreme isolation and boredom that comes along with being confined to one’s house. So instead of wallowing I decided to get some emergency acupuncture and then go watch a track race.

Because I am a total scrub that lives paycheck to paycheck, I rely on the cheap group acupuncture rates that many places now offer. During this session I had the pleasure of experiencing (in front of 5 strangers) what I have dubbed “ass-upuncture”. I kid you not, my shorts and underpants were pulled almost all the way down while a gaggle of needles attempted to cure what ailed me via my backside. Slightly embarrassing, but extremely effective, I left with seriously diminished pain and a much better mood.

I picked up my also-injured friend Miranda and we drove over to Alpenrose to hang out in 90-something degree weather to watch a small group of our friends ride around in circles. To our delight, Team Motordome (so-named for the motor home they’ve helped each other fix up), provided us with camping chairs and ice-cold Fresca. Comfortably settled, backs supported, bodies hydrated, we settled in to watch the races.


I have never participated in a track race myself, but I thoroughly enjoyed watching and trying to figure out what the hell was going on. All I really learned from an evening of spectating was that track racing has funny rules and tactics, and that James won because he warmed up wearing a camelback under his skinsuit.

Only a handful of people even came out to race, which gave the whole evening the feel of a family-reunion-style picnic. No one seemed to really care how they did, and afterwards Candi Murray (sporting a truly awesome onesie that I am going to try to find a double of) gave us all popsicles! In a further effort of fully banish my newly returned injured, downer mood, Steven Beardsley gave me a headset for my track bike so I too can practice velodrome arts in the future.

So for now I am re-resting, bike rearranging, and onesie shopping. With any luck (and some more needles-in-the-butt) I will be able to ride bikes again someday.