Top 6 Sports Movies that have nothing to do with bikes Jun29

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Top 6 Sports Movies that have nothing to do with bikes

Sports movies are better than other movies because sports movies know that you have to put an awesome song right before people are about to do something awesome. Like when the Karate Kid is whupping some surfer dude ass, and they’re playing that “You’re the Best” song by someone that no one has ever heard of. That is a song for winners. Movies about asteroids or relationships will put a power ballad in to make the audience all weepy. Weeping is for losers. Sports movies are about winners. If you want to win, you have to put on a bad ass song.

Vision Quest: It’s about a high school wrestler who’s trying to drop weight and sleep with the girl from Bound. He talks about his erection and gets bloody noses a lot. Then Madonna sings a song in an 80′s redneck bar while doing that awesome 80′s dance that people did in the 80′s. Then she sings “Crazy for You” and IT’S ON. The wrestler sleeps with the girl from Bound and then wins his wrestling match in slow motion because he doesn’t have a boner anymore. Boners hinder wrestling.

Cool Runnings: Some Jamaican runners become bobsledders because John Candy threatens to eat them if they don’t. The team plays up stereotypes about Jamaica before losing in slow motion and earning the respect of the Nazis. I actually cried the first time I saw this movie. For serious.

Thrashin’: Josh Brolin plays a skater with foppish hair and a small deck. He hangs out in LA and watches people skate with his mouth agape. Then he goes on a date with Sherily Fenn while wearing a completely unbuttoned shirt. Then I think he’s gets into some kind of fight with the bad guy from Weird Science, but I’m not sure what happens after that because I went home. I assume it happens in slow motion. 

Ed: This is a movie about a monkey that plays baseball and stars Matt Leblanc. I’ve never seen it. But the themes are obvious. If your sports team isn’t playing well, you should get a monkey. Because it will bring fans to the ballpark and teach you important life lessons. Like don’t star in a movie with a monkey that plays baseball.

Karate Kid: The Karate Kid doesn’t know karate, and a bunch of blond guys beat him up because they don’t like the misrepresentation of his name. Then he meets a kid named Freddy who wears an amazing shirt with a picture of two pigs having sex with the words “Makin’ Bacon” in glittery iron-on. Freddy and the old Arnold from Happy Days beat up the blond kids while the Karate Kid has sex with the hooker from Leaving Las Vegas.

Teen Wolf: Michael J. Fox wants to have sex with a blonde girl so he gets really hairy and learns to play basketball. They do the Thriller dance together at prom. But then a brunette girl named “Boof” says that she likes him better when he doesn’t have hair. So he shaves and wins a basketball game in slow motion. At the end of the movie, one the extras visibly pulls out his penis in the bleachers. Here is an animated picture of that (maybe NSFW)