Mt. Tabor Series – June 10, 2009 Jun11

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Mt. Tabor Series – June 10, 2009

When I’m not busy worrying about the swine flu pandemic or the collapse of our delicately balanced financial system, I like to kick back with tall boy and worry about volcanoes. And I’ve just learned that we’re living on a SUPER VOLCANO. What’s the difference between a regular volcano and a super volcano, you ask? Easy. Super volcanoes have awesome names. Tabor? Meh. KRAKATOA? Super. Apparently they built Mt. Saint Helens (meh) right on top of another volcano named CHAOS DOOMEGATRON (super). Just like that movie Poltergeist where they built their little suburb right on top of an Indian burial ground. But unlike Poltergeist, the guy that plays Coach can’t save us from a SUPER VOLCANO. Only the Pierce Brosnan can do that.

Last night I decided to try and ease my volcano fears by riding around Tabor with a bunch of other people. Like an offering to the volcano gods. But rather than sacrificing a headless goat or a virgin, I chose to sacrifice my dignity up there. Just tossed it right into the abyss, never to be seen again. Enjoy that, volcano. That’s more than Meg Ryan ever offered you.

Let’s talk about some volcano movies!

I’ve seen that movie Volcano with Tommy Lee Jones, but I don’t remember much about it. I think that the Labrea Tar Pits started spewing lava. And the lava started flowing directly towards Hollywood, because it had big dreams. But then Tommy Lee Jones outran the lava and set up some cement barriers, so the lava gave up and went back home. Then Tommy Lee Jones made out with Anne Heche because she hadn’t decided she was a lesbian yet.

Dante’s Peak was similar but it was in the mountains. Some people got naked in a swimmin’ hole, but then they were boiled alive by hot springs because God hates nudity. James Bond came into town to tell everyone about God’s wrath, but no one listened. So he had sex with the lady from Terminator and then outran the erupting volcano in his super volcano truck with the special lava snorkel.

The last movie is The Lord of the Rings. It’s almost exactly like Dante’s Peak but it has hobbits instead of James Bond and Sarah Connor. And it’s 27 hours long. Everything else is the same.

What have I learned from these movies? I’ve learned that people outrun volcanoes all the time. I may be slow on my bike, but I can still outrun lava.

Bulk photos from the race can be found here.

They pulled the Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen video I had posted, so I’ll substitute it with this volcano-related video from a Swedish gameshow: