Chickenball Run

spand and deliver 3

I was waiting for Dawn to finish her interview with Team High School as a review of Spand and Deliver III: Spandier and Deliverier. But those high school kids can’t seem to focus without Ritalin. They’re too busy doing drugs and listening to that damned rock and roll music. AND GET OFF MY LAWN! But I feel like there needs to be some coverage if this race. Because it was awesome. So rather than interview a bunch of happy go lucky teens, I interviewed my curmudgeonly older brother about the race Sunday. He doesn’t live in Portland. He doesn’t know anything about bikes. He had no idea that there was a race of any kind. He watches a lot of movies. I thought he might have some valuable insights. I was very, very wrong.

I’m hoping we can still publish the Team High School interview when they finish their homework. It is finals week, after all. So here is the backup interview. Conducted over instant message. 

Me: Can I interview you about bike racing?
My brother: Uh…sure?
Me: Why do you think they called the race this weekend Spand and Deliver?
My brother: Because the imagery of Edward James Olmos in spandex is something to behold.
Me: A reference to the classic film Stand and Deliver. Clever. Who would win in a fight. Edward James Olmos or Lance Armstrong?
My brother: In a fair fight Lance is going be the clear victor. As long as he doesn’t make EJO mad. But if Lance disrespects EJO in a classroom situation, he’s like a hurricane and he’ll tear Lance Armstrong apart.
Me: Verbally?
My brother: No. Physically.
Me: Okay, but this race was actually bike racers (spand-ex) versus bike messengers (deliver). SO who would win a tandem bike race: EJO paired with Kevin Bacon from Quicksilver or Lance Armstrong and Michelle Pfeiffer from Dangerous Minds?
My brother: Kevin Bacon wins everything.
Me: Kevin Bacon versus Alan Greenspan and Genghis Khan, both riding horseback. Go.
My brother: Kevin Bacon. But it’s close.
Me: Kevin Bacon as Sheriff Buford T. Justice in a remake of Smokey and the Bandit, where Kevin Bacon rides a pursuit bike, chasing down the Bandit.
My brother: Does Kevin Bacon’s bike have a firebird sticker?
Me: No. Are you even listening? Kevin Bacon plays the police, and he’s on a track bike. But I’ll let the bike have police lights, if it helps.
My brother: Who plays Snowman?
Me: Edward James Olmos
My brother: Kevin Bacon. And that should be an HBO miniseries. Two hours is just not enough.
Me: Agreed. Back to the bike race. Who do you think won.
My brother: I think that we are all winners if a bike race like that can generate an HBO miniseries that is essentially Quicksilver vs. Smokey and the Bandit. Everyone wins. But if you want an answer, I’m going to say “Deliver”  wins. Because that Spandex you wear makes you guys look like elitist assholes. Just like Lance Armstrong. Edward James Olmos and Kevin Bacon don’t wear spandex. Plus, messengers have bags and cool walkie talkies, which are essentially CB radios.
Me: That’s a big 10-4.
Me: And you’re right. Deliver won.
Me: And we DO look like elitist assholes.
My brother: Spandex is the new top hat and monacle