Spand and Deliver III – March 7, 2009

Posted by Editor on Mar 18, 2009 in Race Reports | 0 comments

The only racing I did this weekend was the Corndog-organized Chickenball Run. The race was equal parts bike riding and pinball. But more than that, it was a benefit race to raise money for Chicken who needs some kind of medical procedure related to Avian Flu. Which is like Pig Flu. But for poultry. Which we did. But I think we may have somehow upset the cosmic balance of the universe, because we killed Dom DeLuise. Who had Pig Flu, I think. Which is like Avian Flu. But for washed up actors living in Mexico.

I’m not much of a baller. But I try. When I play pinball the ball always goes straight down the hole. Just like my hopes and dreams. And I don’t know how to hit the machine with my hips the way better pinball players do.

I also get distracted by all of the little graphics on the screen. I don’t know where to look at any time. This wasn’t a problem back in the day, but now something is always screaming at you or popping up or blinking. It’s too much to take in. And I know there are tasks I’m supposed to be accomplishing, but I can’t figure them out. I just hit the ball as much as possible until I get a multi ball, then I scream “I WON!” and walk away.

I think some people rode the race fast. We didn’t. We rode it slow. On tandems. We drank many beers and played much pinball. At one point some guy in a Prius refused my very legal, very signaled left turn because I “wasn’t wearing a fucking helmet”, so I made an inelegant 16 point tandem-turn while vowing to stab him in the forehead with a fork. I had hoped that tandem vs. Prius fight would be as funny in real life as it seemed in my head, my scrawny arms flailing wildly while my stoker kept the getaway bike running, filmed in its entirety to later be put onto youtube followed by keyboard kitty.

Explain all of this to your wife, Prius man.

Anyway, back to Dom Deluise. I watched Cannonball Run today and poured a bit of my whiskey out for Captain Chaos. Though when I say poured it out I mean down my throat. And when I say watched I mean saw that it was on TV, but then turned it off and went for a bike ride. I’d already missed the good parts with Adrienne Barbeau’s cleavage, and it was going to be another hour before I got to see the blooper reel.

Worst. Race report. Ever.

So watch these closing credits from Cannonball Run and mourn the passing of Dom.