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The Black Cat

In light of recent preemptive attacks on my beloved coffee shop of choice, The Black Cat, I feel a certain responsibility to leap in with  a defense plan.  First of all, allow me to assert the controversial  reality that The Black Cat is the greatest coffee shop of all time.  Yes, I said it.  THE GREATEST.

No, the coffee is neither rich, aromatic, delicious, nor brewed by Stumptown.  But hey, I’ll happily settle for a turbo boost S’mores-flavored cappuccino from the nearest gas station coffee bar, so what  do I know about your fancy West coast slow-roasted French press?  When  I go out for a hot mug of café, it’s for the AMBIANCE, not the taste  of the actual java.  After all, I’m just a simple country bike messenger and all-American working stiff, so you can TAKE THAT COMMUNITY COLLEGE PRETENSION ELSEWHERE AND STOP MEAN-MUGGING MY CUP OF  JOE!  Who goes to a coffee shop for the fancy coffee?

Ahem.  As I’ve said, The Black Cat may not carry the most deliciously-brewed cup of coffee in the greater Portland metropolitan area, but that certainly doesn’t stop this venerable neighborhood hangout from capturing the hearts of hard-working Americans everywhere as the GREATEST COFFEE SHOP OF ALL TIME.  The best part is that it’s less than a half-mile away from my front door!  Who needs to experience a rich, aromatic taste sensation at the Fresh Pot when the Black Cat has hot lesbians, weird lesbian music, and uncomfortable lesbian art on hand to otherwise occupy the senses?  Not to mention a nigh-endless (I’ve admittedly reached the end of this magical rainbow of vegan life force before, hence “nigh”) supply of Black Sheep blueberry cornmeal muffins, which I require on a weekly basis in order to continue successfully conducting basic human functions.  Thus, the Black Cat excels in the three major areas that make up my personal Triforce of coffee shop supremacy: LESBIANS, MUFFINS, AND PROXIMITY TO MY HOUSE.  I beseech you to respect this powerful Triforce, as once the three sacred elements are assembled, the essences of the Golden Goddesses grant me the omnipotence to annihilate all would-be competitors at Ms Pacman (whose arcade consoles the Black Cat uses in lieu of your garden-variety table top).  Most shops can only master 2 of the 3 elements at best.  Most shops cower at the mighty Sapphic feet of the Black Cat coffee shop!