Media Review: Top 5 Burt Reynolds Car Movies Dec01

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Media Review: Top 5 Burt Reynolds Car Movies

Every season has something for a cyclist. Fall is for cyclocross. Summer is for touring and mountain biking. Spring is for road racing and track. And Winter… well, winter is for eating cookies and watching television. Unfortunately as bicyclists, I feel like we’re underrepresented in the media and keep getting burned by the few bike movies and TV shows they make. American Flyers is totally unwatchable because of the child molester moustache that Kevin Costner sports through the entire thing. And RAD was only… rad… until Cru Jones “bike dances” with that girl from Full House, and you can clearly see that she is just a dude with Sasquatch hands in drag, which was a total boner-kill in my youth. Bike movies have no action. No boobs. And no bar fights. So as cyclists with nothing else to watch, we turn to cars.

Just because we’re a bike blog, doesn’t mean will don’t still harbor a fascination with cars movies. You can only watch Breaking Away so many times before you crack and need to watch someone jump something in slow motion. So here is a list of Burt Reynolds car movies that even bike people can (and should) get behind.

1. Smokey and the Bandit: Burt Reynolds shows Kevin Costner how to grow a moustache. While Costner’s moustache says ” I touch people inappropriately”, Burt’s moustache says “I touch people appropriately. And I also drive a car fast.” I must have watched this movie 20 times growing up before I understood what the fuck was going on. So let me save you the trouble. Burt Reynolds wears a cowboy hat and jumps things, while Jerry Reed sings songs about beer and Arkansas. Jackie Gleason turns red and veiney and says “YOU SUMBITCH” a lot. And there is a bar fight.

2. Hooper: This is totally different than Smokey and the Bandit. Because in Smokey and the Bandit he drives a black trans-am. In Hooper, he drives a red trans-am. It’s like night and day. I haven’t seen this movie since I was 8 years old, but I think it’s about one stuntman who is jealous of another stuntman’s red trans-am, but then they become friends when they jump a rocket powered car together. And there is a bar fight.

3. Smokey and the Bandit 2: This movie actually sucks. But I had to list it because it was important to address that Burt drives the black trans-am but wears the red trans-am jacket. He also kept the moustache. It’s a movie about recycling and jumping things. And Dom Deluise plays an elephant, I think. There might be a bar fight, but I can’t be sure.

4. Stroker Ace: If Days of Thunder and Hee Haw had a baby, then went on Jerry Springer for a paternity test, and found out that Colonel Sanders was actually the father, then they all fought, and then made a reality show about the entire experience, it would look just like this movie.  Also, Burt Reynolds wears a chicken costume instead of a trans-am jacket. And Loni Anderson shows her boobs a lot, because she felt like WKRP in Cincinnati was holding her back (in?), boob-wise. I think that it might also have someone from the Hardy Boys TV show, but I’m not old enough to confirm that. There are multiple bar fights.

5. Cannonball Run: Burt doesn’t drive a trans-am, but he makes jokes about it. Dom Deluise again plays an elephant. They drive an ambulance together and jump things while aging 70′s starlets show their boobs. It also stars Jackie Chan and Dean Martin (which makes it even cooler than that internet video of Bing Crosby and David Bowie singing Christmas songs). And it has a bar fight.