Media Review: Six Pack Dec19

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Media Review: Six Pack

I’ve learned a lot about the Internet in the two months since I got one. I’ve learned that “LOL” means “very funny” and that “BRB” means “I’m bored with this conversation and will most likely not be returning.” And that “A++++ EBAYER!@#$ WULD BUY AGAIN! FASTFASTFAST!@*$@” means “This was a successful transaction, thank you.” But I’ve also learned that when you create a website about bikes, you don’t even need to talk about bikes. You can talk about anything, as long as you say the word bike somewhere, readers won’t notice. Which is why I’m going to review another car movie starring and old man with facial hair. How do I plan to tie this in to bikes? Simple logic. Do bikes have wheels? Do cars have wheels? Does Kenny Rogers know when to count ‘em? No. He knows when to hold ‘em, fold ‘em, and some other stuff. But Kenny Rogers can’t. Count. Wheels.

No further questions, your Honor. The defense rests.

Six Pack stars Kenny Rogers as Brewster Something (I’m too lazy to look it up). He races shitty stock cars on a dirt track. His car gets stripped by six orphan mechanics. Rather than send them to jail, The Gambler forces them to make shoes and childrens toys with illegal mercury levels. He also makes them work as his pit crew. He eventually releases the kids from their indentured servitude when he realizes that the hot lady who played Col. Wilma Derring on Buck Rogers won’t do it with him anymore until he pretends to love his underage slaves. Also, this is a family movie. Here is an overview of the orphans, Breakfast Club style:

The Smart One: Played by Anthony Michael Hall, this is the only kid that does anything useful. He went on to use his skills building a woman in Weird Science, and eventually went back to this role in Six Pack II: Detention (released as The Breakfast Club), where he loses all mechanical skills and can’t even make a lamp that works.

The Cute One: Says “C’mon Brewster!” a bunch of times. Tugs at our heartstrings patience.

The Fat One: Eat things. We’re expected to laugh when he orders lots of food. HA HA. He’s eating ice cream!

The Profane One: Swears a lot. Is hated by everyone. Eventually combs his hair and ends profane statements with “sir or madam”

The Female One: Played by Diane Lane. Tries to sleep with Bernie from Weekend at Bernies before he became somewhat famous by pretending to be dead. Also, she’s 13. Also, this is still a family movie.

The Boring One: I honestly don’t remember the sixth kid.

Anyway, I love this movie because it has all of the funniest themes: the slavery theme, the underage seduction theme, the Kenny Rogers theme (he did all of the music). Six Pack is available wherever quality Betamax and Lazerdisc movies are sold.

Here’s Kenny Rogers singing “Lady”: