YOUBAR Custom Energy Bars Nov10


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YOUBAR Custom Energy Bars

I’d like to continue the sosovelo tradition of what we will call “presumptuous product reviews”, building a healthy catalog of products that we’ve chosen to love before we’ve bothered to try them, in a transparent and feeble attempt to get samples of the product for free. Once we’ve built up a healthy supply of these reviews, we’ll call the manufacturers and let them know that they “owe us”. Sopranos-like. We’re still waiting for our carbon wheels, so we’re going to shoot a little lower this time, and pre-review YOUBAR custom made-to-order energy bars.

I was told about the YOUBAR last week, and while my informant told me that they had actually found the product on an ad from this very website, they never bothered to mention the unbelievable list of celebrities currently addicted to the YOUBAR, including Jason Priestly, Doogie Howser, the guy that played young Hercules, and someone named “USA Men’s Water Polo Winner” (maybe his name is hard to spell, which is why heĀ  wears his medal around town shopping when shopping for energy bars).

Look, I don’t want to keep harping on this celebrity thing, because I obviously already love YOUBAR and can’t wait to try it, but why do all of these people seem to be in the same room? I like to imagine that these gangs of minor celebrities hang out together on weekends, and were stopped on the street in Santa Monica to participate in a random taste-test on their way to the “stars” portion of the Dancing with the Stars audition.

Sure, YOUBAR sells standard pre-made energy bars. But that shit might as well be called just BAR, because YOU didn’t have anything to do with it, you lazy bastard. The magic of YOUBAR comes in thir customized build-a-bar program. It’s clear that I have a problem with overpriced energy bars, but I find that I’m able to let some of that slide when I imagine people making it just for me. Because I can also imagine me sending them back, half eaten, with a sloppily handwritten post-it attached that says “this is not what I ordered.” Try that with a Clif Bar.

And even though they let you design your own fucked up bar, they let you return it if it sucks. How awesome is that? Awesome enough that Doogie Howser buys them. And he knows energy bars. Because he’s a doctor.

With all of the additional money I’ve earned in advertising from this site, I’ve decided to order a box. Well, I bought most of the box on credit. But I’m treating it as an investment, and writing it off on my taxes as an energy expense. I had hoped to childishly design a “wacky” bar, but really, there isn’t much wacky material in there. Some fruits. Some nuts. Some proteins. I named the bar “I miss my dead uncle Joe”. Uncle Joe isn’t dead. Also, I don’t have an uncle Joe.

I’ll probably post another review when they get here. But while we wait, here is my “recipe”. If you’d like to try it, call them up and tell them you miss my dead uncle Joe. They’ll know what to do.

Base: Cashew Butter
Protein Powders: Whey (Milk) Protein
Nuts/Seeds: Pecans
Fruits/Berries: Dried Pineapple, Organic Sweetened Cherries (w/Sunflower Oil)
Sweeteners: Organic Clover Honey
Seasonings: Coffee Crystals, Ground Cinnamon
Grains: Organic Oat Bran
InFUsions: All One Vitamin Infusion