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Weaver’s Tour of Despair (Wilsonville Loop) – 65 Miles

I decided to celebrate Americas economic decline, which continues to be the only thing outperforming analyst expectations, by calling in sick and going for a bike ride. From North Portland to Wilsonville, then back up through Lake Oswego. It was a tour of Portland’s income distribution, showing us what Portland looked like before those commie socialists took office and started giving the “real” Americans money away to the lazy freeloaders who do the landscaping at their local Crate and Barrel. Within one year, Obama has promised to repossess all homes worth over $1 million, and hand them over to food-stamp recipients. I read it in an email from my crazy uncle. And he’ll do all of this under the guise of “helping those in need”. You know who else help believed in “helping people”? Ghandi. Before he planned 9/11.

In preparation of this widespread government theft, the hard working “real” Americans are dumping their homes as fast as possible. That’s the only way to explain the deals I saw out there. I saw homes selling as low as $5 million, with and extra $250k thrown in for landscaping. That’s trickle down economics right there, folks. I don’t need some bloated goverment entity offering me “firetrucks” or “education”. I need the invisible hand of warm hearted American offering me hundreds of thousands of dollars in the interest of good will towards fellow man… as long as that fellow man buys their $5 million dollar home.

As for the ride, it’s the regular South Portland escape route down to Oregon City. Then things got mysterious. I would be lost for long stretches, until I would stumble upon a strip mall (or strip club) recognizable from I-5. Part of the ride smelled like chlorinated pools and lawn clippings, and other parts of it smelled like industrial gasses, depending on how wealthy the neighborhood was. But the redistribution of wealth is going to solve this. In the next few years, the entire ride will smell like mediocrity.

Update: Weaver insisted that I change this post to indicate the new “official” route name, which passes by three very different (but equally miserable) previous employers from his formative years.