Thanks. For nothing. Nov29


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Thanks. For nothing.

Thanksgiving, for me, is generally a time to visit the loved ones in my family who have large televisions and watch hours and hours of the Gilmore Girls, alone, while they cook and do the dishes. And to look at them warmly as I think to myself “Yes, I would like some more boxed wine, thank you.” I’m not anti-Thanksgiving. I’m just pro-holiday hating. Someone needs to play the downer, and it may as well be me. If everyone was happy, you’d have nothing to be thankful for and no one to look at for reassurance about your own miserable life. It might as well be called “Thank Christ I’m not that guy-Day”. But even downers have things to be thankful for, so this is my mostly-earnest cycling-related list of things I’m thankful for this year (if you make fun of me, I’ll never write anything earnest again):

  • I’m thankful for my friends that are always willing to ride bikes, regardless of the weather, even if they have to get stoned to convince themselves that it’s a good idea. And I’m thankful for my friends that work on my bikes for me when I’m too stupid to do it myself, which is generally all of the time. I have to get them stoned as well.
  • I’m thankful that I didn’t get giardia in Hillsboro, even though the Internet (this site included) has spread the oft-repeated-yet-baseless rumor that we all ate our weight in feces. And I’m thankful that the guys at took a picture of someone eating more feces than me, just to make me feel better.
  • I’m thankful that I don’t post a bunch of shit on the Internet about how I’m actually a better racer than my results indicate, but I was held back by this or that or I would have won. Because I think that I would be embarrassed by that.
  • I’m thankful for Bob’s Red Mill oatmeal. Because it’s made by wizards, out of rainbows and love. And also because it was free all season. And I’m cheap. And I now have enough bags of it to last me through the impending nuclear Winter. They are still not a sponsor of this site.
  • I’m thankful that I don’t have to work as a messenger in the rain anymore. Now I get to commute to a miserable job. In the rain. Wait, fuck that. I’m not thankful for that.
  • I’m thankful that I haven’t been run over by meth-head on his way to Jack in the Box in almost a year. I’m like the Ted Williams of not getting run over by junkies. Let’s keep the streak alive!
  • I’m thankful that I live in Portland, where the coffee is plentiful, breakfast restaurants numerous and crowded, and the people are kind and occasionally wear spandex to the movie theater, where no one even laughs.