PROBAR: The Worlds Most Expensive Energy Bar Oct17

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PROBAR: The Worlds Most Expensive Energy Bar

I’m consistently amazed by my ability as a grownup to buy anything that strikes my fancy, with little or no approval. It’s this lack over oversight that has allowed me to, in a childish effort to impress shallow people, frivolously and methodically purchase the desired objects of my youth: my racecar bed with black and white checkerboard sheets, my Ewok Villiage playset, my exotic totaled-but-still-totally-drivable Lamborghini Countach.

But one night, while buying groceries at Wild Oats, my devotion to conspicuous consumption was challenged in a way I could never have imagined as a child; I was bluntly asked to buy a $4.49 Whole Foods PROBAR. The gauntlet had been laid, and in a fool-hearted desire to amaze my company with a campaign of shop-and-awe,  I accepted the challenge. 

I’ve read the marketing material, and I know all about the awards PROBAR has won. Vegans love it. And it was voted “Best Muscle Enhancement Product”, narrowly beating out a product called simply “steroids”. What does a $5 fruit and nut bar taste like? Fruit. And nuts. There were really only three major differences between this bar and substantially cheaper bars:

1. PROBAR had whole nuts instead of pieces of nuts.

2. PROBAR is a sponsor of pro CX racer Christine Vardaros

3. PROBAR caused the mortgage crisis that is currently -rupting banks all over the planet.

But having seen the green pastures on the wealthy side of the energy bar purchases, I can’t go back to the trash I’ve been eating. So I’ve vowed to come up with a more financially viable solution. I’m working on an energy snack that will be the price of a Clif Bar, but will have the content of the World Most Expensive Energy Bar. It uses a complicated scientific process called “smooshing”, the very same process that, in the natural world, produces diamonds, fusion, and rainbows (though on a much smaller scale). It’s too complicated to explain here, especially since I haven’t figured out how to make fancy Greek symbols on this keyboard, so I’ll just give you the basics. I buy some expensive nuts from the Whole Foods bins, then I label the bag with the number of cheap nuts. Then I buy some expensive dried fruits from the Whole Foods bins, then I label the bag with the number for raisins. Then try to act really cool as I go through the line, even though mango slices look nothing like raisins, and macadamia nuts look nothing like spanish peanuts. I avoid making eye contact and/or exposing my embarassment and, once through the line, I mix the contents of the bags together.

Then I “smoosh”. I put the bag in the front pocket of my too-tight hipster jeans and I ride home.

I expect that by eating this, I will be a stronger rider. If I fail to see results within a week, I will begin adapting my recipe to include fermented horse milk.